Telecommuting Woes

I'm totally confused again.

I've got a steady job, telecommuting, with a reasonably OK salary. I was earlier required to go to the office twice a week, but now I'm told I can just stay home all week and work. That's great, tells me everyone who hears about it.

I've got a job which I'm not really enjoying. I'm sitting at home all day, whole week, with not a soul to talk to. I sign in at 9 in the morning, take a 15 minute break at quarter to ten when I bathe my son and quickly get him dressed so that he's ready to be picked up by his daycare help. I go back to my work, eat my breakfast at my desk, take another break of half an hour for lunch. This, sometimes runs a little longer. through with lunch and back to the machine, a bit of online chat sometime till I break for tea (usually for the two mins it take to make tea). Then back to staring at the silly screen till 6:30, when I hear Anant screaming downstairs. That's when I really turn to a human voice after more than 9 hours of work. It's stressful sometimes, boring often and so tiring always.

Then there is the issue of the holidays. The website needs to be updated every single day. TV serials are on even on a Friday, a Saturday, a Christmas, a Diwali, a Dussera... you name the holiday. Our team works through these days. People take turns, someone working on one Saturday, another one sacrificing his Dussera. I don't. I can't. Whenever it's a holiday for Anant, I just can't work. Anant is a restless child. He won't sit idle (oh yes, he's watching a bit too much TV these days, but I don't think he'll watch TV the WHOLE 9 hours any given day, neither would I allow him that). When he's home he needs me to read him books, tell him stories, answer his queries, play indoor cricket with him, place orders at his make-believe restaurant and drink his imaginary nimbu-pani in his toy glass. I must sit with him while he eats, tell him stories, feed him. I must lie down with him when he needs to sleep, pat him, even slap him coz he is sleepy but 'not sleepy'. So, I CAN'T work on a day when Anant is home.

Which means I can't work on a Saturday or a Dussera or any other day when his daycare is closed. Which, of course, may not go down well with others in the team. Though they always say they understand and it's OK, I, sometimes, feel it's not really that OK. Especially when I get an SMS on a Saturday morning saying 'hope you r enjoying your holiday', or when I get a call on 2nd October, asking me if I "have taken the day off" when it IS an official off and I was never asked to work on that day.

It's on such occasions that I wonder if I should move on. Move on to a job where no one is required to work on any holiday.

But then, I have my constraints. My time, which is so bound with Anant. I wonder what's wrong there. I remember bosses from my previous job telling me how I will always remain on a plateau till I devote more time to work. How, in my work review, they had expressed their hope that "now, that your son has grown (Anant was just around three at that time), you will be able to devote more time to work", when I was already working till two in the night to compensate for my rushing home exactly after eight hours.

And then I shudder, I don't want to go through all that again. I don't want to live with that double guilt of neither giving enough time to Anant nor to my job. I wish I had a job with an office somewhere nearby. A job, for which I could leave my home at nine thirty, be at office at ten, leave office at six thirty and yet be back with my son by seven. That's a dream, that's what I long for. But for now it's confusion that rules my life.

That Guilty Feeling Again

It's tough being a working mother. Especially when you don't have any support system at home.

It's often tougher on the kid. :(

A was down with fever since Sunday. I couldn't take off; Monday is the only time of the week when I go to office. So there was no choice but to pack him off to his day care. The fever was not too bad either, hence no guilt trip that day.

Tuesday morning he again got up with fever; decided to keep him home. He was quite OK, mild fever through the day; spent the whole day playing. Though he tried his best not to disturb me (He's really growing up :D), it was not bad. Tried to make him sleep in the afternoon; gave up after patting him for fifteen minutes; couldn't waste more than that of my precious working hours. Finally, after much scolding, he slept.

He was OK through out the rest of the day yesterday, as well as this morning. Well, mild fever was there, but... decided to send him to daycare as well as school.

And then he comes back in the evening, all burning and tired and irritated and crying. And I'm on one of those guilt trips again. Shouldn't have sent him off. Should have kept him home. But he wouldn't have let me work :(

Decided not to send him tomorrow. And he was to dress up as Nehru and say a speech too! 15th August celebrations at school... now he's not going to attend that. Hubby's bought an expensive silk Nehru jacket for him... wasted :(

There goes the money minded mother of today! All that it leads to... wastage of money!!! The child is sick!!! Come on!!!

Is It His Fault?

A was sent back home from the neighbors last evening.

He was playing with their sons (two grown up men, no kids); the game was WWE wresting and Chhota Chahcu (the younger of the two, 22 I think) was not letting the poor kid (four years and 7 months) win. Chahcu was hitting, blow after blow and finally, a frustrated A screamed at him., 'Chhodo mujhe." But this was not all. The frustrated scream was suffixed with "kameene!"

It was this word that had stunned them and their mother, A's favorite. The silence was so sudden that A was scared. And, then, when he was asked by Mrs. K, with a stern gaze, from where did he learn this 'bad word', A was scared as hell. He started screaming, kicking, pushing and trying with all his might to evade them.

It was then that he was sent home and he immediately tried to bang the door shut, so that Mamma doesn't get to hear from them what all the commotion was all about. But of course, I had already heard the commotion, being just right across the stairs with our living room windows opening side by side. I was about to go there and ask what was happening when there was a knock at the door.

Failing to shut the door, A rushed in the bedroom, screaming, crying, fuming; more scared when he saw Papa home. I was told by Mrs. K to find out who is teaching the kid such bad word. Of course we need to find out and take steps, maybe talk to the mother of the kid who's teaching him such stuff. Or find out if it's the maid at his daycare. But the moment I heard the 'bad word' that he had used, I knew from where it had come. In fact, he had learn it right inside their home!

While, I, at my place try to censor whatever TV he watches, even if it means sacrificing my favorite Friends reruns, at the neighbors, it's all there, bare for him. So when Aishwarya Rai and Shahrukh Khan gyrated on 'Ishq Kameena', nobody in their home thought of changing the channel, and A, as always, was glued to the TV. Back at home, he had asked me the meaning of ishq and kameen. Ishq, I had told him was love and kameena was a bad word. Why were the calling love bad, however, was beyond me. They sure were stupid; those characters that these two actors were playing! There could be no other explanation! But A is a good boy and good boys do not use bad words.

But good boys can definitely have raging tempers. And then it's no bad using a bad word, is it? After all Shahrukh uses it!!!

Anant ate without TV!

Yes!! A battle won today! Anant was at the neighbors, watching cartoon on their huge-screened TV when I called him for dinner. It took minutes of cajoling and threatening before he finally came, reluctantly and on the condition that I'll turn on the same channel here.
I somehow managed to pretend that I can't find the remote control :D and thankfully, he was not able to spot it either, though it lying there, just hidden by the laptop that hubby had left on the sofa.
So I started feeding him, (yes, he still doen't eat by himself) talking of some silly thing and it was one big relief to see the food disappear from the plate in flat 15 minutes! It always takes something between 40-60 minutes when the TV is on. He simply keeps the food inside him cheek and completely forgets to chew, as he watches TV.
His eating was halting today again though, as, suddenly, he started feeling itchy all over his back. Kept scratching his back against his chair all the while as he ate! It was very annoying and another battle ensued. I had to goad him to move his mouth along with his back! In the end... food eaten quickly and without TV!! Thank God for that!

Turning a new leaf?

We are back from our two week-long vacation, and yes, hubby was not with us. As Anant told a friend of his grandpa "Papa never comes with us!" Well, not truly. Poor fellow forgot the mini vacation we took just two months back to Bangalore. Papa did go with us then.
Well, Anant has surprised me lately. He has told me, "Mamma, I'm trying to be a good boy. Really, I am trying!" And how I love him just for this innocent confession.
And surprises of surprise! He's just come back from the neighbors, himself, without being called by me! And he's told them that he needs to come home a bit early so that he can talk to me!!!
So gotta rush now. more later.

Fits of Rage

Anant has become too temperamental lately. Fits of rage emerge at every single 'no', which happens so often. It's becoming a constant tussle.
He's getting addicted to TV - from Perman to Power Rangers. Why do these channels show cute kiddie shows only in the morning? His day starts with Caillou or Winnie the Pooh. With his glass of milk in his hands and constant "finish your milk" from me, he finishes it finally after the programs are over and it's been an hour! It's the evenings filled with shows like 'Shinchan', something that I don't want him to watch. And to top these all, there are Power Rangers - with God knows how many different series. It's these evening shows, from which I try to keep him away, which often results in to
1. Anant walking off to neighbors and watching TV there.
2. Me locking the door and Anant throwing a fit, with screaming, shouting, howling, stomping, and scratching, biting and even kicking me.
I have tried my best to keep him occupied in other things, and till he was three and half years, he was blissfully unaware of anything on the TV.
It all started with him making friends at school all of whom are addicted to Power Rangers and Ben 10. That's what they all discuss all the time, showing off their Power Rangers or Ben 10 toys and other stuff, making him feel deprived of all the fun!
How I had rejoiced when our TV conked off. But then it became nightmare for the neighbors. Though they are his second family and treat him like a kid of their own, still for how many hour can they let him bully them and watch all the horrors called cartoons? They were not allowed to watch their favorite programs by the Brat and finally I had to get my TV fixed so that he comes back home to sleep!
I recently planned to block all these channels that show Power Rangers and such stuff. But then, I remembered how he had created hell for the poor neighbors, and so I've given up on that idea.
Dunno what to do now!

Need to talk to someone

This need has been felt for way too long. I had never imagined it can be so tough raising a boy, almost all by oneself.
Ours is a typical three member household. Me, hubby n the brat.


Well, I never intended him to be a brat, and I have tried so hard and have, apparently, failed miserably. Anant, my four year old is as good as brat as it can be. it's not brat in that proud, loving sense. I wish it was though.
I'm losing my patience day in and day out. Hope this blog helps me look back at things, learn from them and be a better mother. And hope it helps me turn him into a lovable, super brat.